Anonymous
Delhi, India
thank you for this lovely initiative! I’m grappling with uncertainty regarding the future of my career and a change of post (which means moving country). i’m in a dilemma – seeking balance but also an opportunity to contribute in a stimulating role and context. The sector i’m in is facing cuts and more competition and i will likely have less choice. Xxxxxx
Hello! It’s funny because I recently made a very similar decision. I accepted a new position, which means a move to a new city and an impossible upheaval of my life. It’s terrifying! And exciting. I’m sorry to talk about myself, but knowing you are also going through this makes me feel better, somehow, even though we don’t know each other.
You don’t specify what your sector is, but it doesn’t matter, since what you describe is affecting most fields. There is this shrinking of opportunity everywhere while simultaneously there is so much saturation and overload and overwhelm. You also mention a change of country. I wonder how you feel about this? This is the part I find most difficult about the change. Whenever I am in the new city I find myself thinking about home.
When I was making this difficult decision about my career, I was unconsciously distracting myself by diagnosing myself with a rare neurological condition called “visual snow syndrome.” My field of vision is always crowded with microscopic, translucent, rainbow colored dots overlaid with larger moving translucent shapes. This makes it seem like everything I see is kind of crawling or vibrating, especially in the dark. When I was young I thought I could “see atoms.” And I always thought this is how everyone experienced sight. I diagnosed myself after seeing an instagram video late one night. Having this little side project to research and focus on while making my decision was enormously helpful, as it offset some of my nervous energy and uncertainty. I’m sure it’s not coincidental that my obsession concerned my own vision at a time when I was trying to peer into the future and the unknown, preoccupied with what I couldn’t see. I was doing a lot of lying around in the dark while trying to get my toddler to sleep, watching these millions of little pixels and shapes pulse across the walls and ceiling—a kind of scrying.
I think sometimes I see my own future as an absolute reality, a giant chunk of solid material (big words like JOB, FAMILY, ART floating around) instead of many almost imperceptible interlinking moments, choices, interactions and small happenings. This shift in scale can make an unknown space feel less terrifying and more exciting, perhaps. In other words, the lack of choice you predict sounds like something you might be able to push against at a more microscopic level. What small choices do you foresee having? How can you take small opportunities to keep things as open as possible (often this requires saying no as much as saying yes).
I notice you use this word balance. That word feels so tranquil. Balance is something that feels impossible to me, yet I crave it! I can never quite figure it out. Often, balance feels like it is marketed to us while we are pushed to work harder and harder. Perhaps it’s something that we naturally move towards and away from depending on where we are in our lives. I wish balance for you, and choice, and possibility.
Playlist for you:
work/office/career
“A Position at the University” by Lydia Davis (I love how this poem positions self-knowledge and career as somewhat at odds), “Bartleby, the Scrivener” by Herman Melville, I Was Working by Ariel Yelen, The Copywriter by Daniel Poppick, “Office Poems” by Letitia Chan, The Employees by Olga Ravn
possibility/openness
“I Dwell in Possibility” by Emily Dickinson
“Opened and Closed Spaces” by Tomas Tranströmer
