Letters

I’m scared of the thoughts in my head

Asked by: Anonymous

Answered by: Rhea Dillon

Anonymous. California, United States

I’m not sure who I am. Am I truly all the smiles and ‘i’m okay’ that I keep plastered on my face? Or am I keeping a tight grip on a facade I feel insecure without? Sometimes I’m scared of the thoughts in my head. I didn’t know I could kick someone in my imagination. I didn’t know that hot, raging words could fly out of my mouth faster than the watermelon seeds in the summer. I didn’t know I could hurt … me. Sometimes I don’t know if I will ever truly live up to expectations. A plan laid out for me. A story copy and pasted to me. And sometimes, I desperately want to break free. I want to throw away my cage. And I want to fly. But what use is flying when those below will pelt you down with rocks. They’ll judge and whisper and laugh and scream “look at you, you fool”. I’m scared really. Why do I always have to face forward and sprint to my next birthday?

RD:

Dear Anonymous.,

I’ve been there. Scared of the thoughts in my head. In many ways I still am. See, by day I’m an artist and at night a griot to a page, therefore, a fraud of nature. And so to correct my doings of the mind, in and mainly out of my control, I let them guide me to artmaking and my spiritual path.

It seems you are both (hu)Man and Mask: you contain multitudes. The poet Walt Whitman famously spoke of himself in this way and I thank him for the language. I also thank you for your language: you, too, are clearly a poet. That we can now be sure of. Step 1 achieved: What do we know?

For Step 2: What do we not know? I don’t know the time right now. I don’t know the fate of the future. I don’t know if I’ll live out the evening. I don’t know if you will, either. We don’t know each other. And yet,

Step 3: What do we know that we would like to know? I know I would like to know you’ll be okay, but ‘okay’ is only achieved by placing one foot in front of the other. Okay is acceptance. Okay is Yes, and… I would like that for you. Fear is effervescent in your letter and, sadly, fear is gaining strength among the masses in this year’s space-time. That is relative to the year, and that is okay. My first therapist gave me a beautiful acronym for fear: Face Everything And Rise. My old best friend also gave me a powerful acronym for fear: False Evidence Appearing Real. Both people are behind me. Both people had fear for me. Both people I once feared I had made a mistake with. Both people I still love for the space-time we had. We are all doing okay now, and so will you. Stay on it. Try listening to the song with the same name by Julius Eastman. It helps to have a beat for one’s progression.

P.S. Here is a poem titled blessing the boats from 2000 by Lucille Clifton to help with keeping the beat, as well as, ‘Yes, and…’:

(at St. Mary’s)

may the tide

that is entering even now

the lip of our understanding

carry you out

beyond the face of fear

may you kiss

the wind then turn from it

certain that it will

love your back may you

open your eyes to water