CW London, England
I miss my language, leathered in Scots, muddled in British English. I miss hearing my gran saying she’s gone to get the messages or my mum suggesting we coorie in because there’s a Scottish storm brewing. I miss being in a room of people who don’t wince or smile when they hear me say wee or dwam or wabbit or dreich. I miss being understood when asked the time and I reply ‘it’s the back of 12’ and all non Scots look at me blankly. I miss being surrounded by my language and held by it and I get confused that I am also raised an English speaker so I fit in perfectly here if I slice off half of my vernacular. I love the new words and sounds here, because London is not one culture but many. But my families words are missing.
J.E:
Dear CW,
Thank you for writing, and for sharing.
My situation is very different, but your letter reminded me of an experience I had the other day while visiting New York City. I was walking and came upon a Jamaican food truck. My mom was born in Jamaica and migrated to the US as a child. As I looked at the menu and listened to one of the workers talking in what sounded to me like a Jamaican accent, I longed to talk to him in patois, or at least in a recognizably Jamaican accent, and be recognized as a Jamaican. But I don’t speak patois, and my accent bears no trace of Jamaica. I felt sad about this. I imagined going up to him and saying, “I’m Jamaican,” and him replying, “No you’re not. You sound American.”
I lived in New York City for thirteen years, and many members of my big Jamaican extended family live there. When I lived there, it felt like home in many ways, but there were some core ways in which I didn’t feel quite at home, especially in the last couple years. I grew up in southeastern Virginia, and I live here now again, and feel a deep sense of home here. But there’s still ways in which I don’t feel fully at home here. I’ve only been to Jamaica once, for just four days with my mom, and there I felt home in a different, powerful way. But again, there were ways I didn’t feel at home there too. I doubt I’ll ever feel fully at home anywhere. There is grief there.
Warmest wishes,
Jerome
